This is Why it’s so Damn Hard for you to Meditate

You sit down, in a chair, your feet flat on the ground and your hands resting gently on your legs. The sun is warming your skin. The birds are singing a familiar tune. You’re ready to start your day refreshed and recharged. Once you make meditating a habit, you’ll be in full control of your emotions, less reactive, happier.

You hit play on your Headspace app. Day 8 of the intro period. Here goes ten minutes of bliss . . .

1:00 –  Seriously, you text me now? I know I have a dentist’s appointment tomorrow.

1:30 – Holy shit the sun is bright, why didn’t I wear my sunglasses?

1:40 – Okay, pause, I need my sunglasses.

1:55 – Did he just say to count my breaths? Or not to count my breaths? I wonder what this guy looks like. I have to google it when I’m done.

2:05 – Wait, how many breaths was that?

3:00 – How much time is left, it’s gotta be almost done. Oh shit, 7 more minutes?!?

3:40 – God I really don’t want to go to the dentist tomorrow. Maybe I’ll cancel. But I should get my teeth cleaned. But I really don’t want to go. But I should go.

3:55 – Fuck, how many breaths was that? Wait, why is he talking about blue skies, what did I miss?

4:10 – Ok, focus. All great ideas come from meditating. Maybe this is the session that I’ll get my next brilliant idea. Didn’t Jon Favreau come up with Chef while meditating? That was such a great movie. But who would believe Sophia Veraga was his wife?

4:45 – What the… why does that bird sound like a robot from the 80s? And how loud is he?? Why did I think doing this outside was a good idea?

5:00 – okay, he just said body scan. Where am I tense? What do I feel? I feel the fucking sun burning my legs through my jeans, that’s what I feel.

5:55 – Oooo! look at that, 90 people liked my Instagram post. How the hell do people get 100,000 followers? That just seems so insane. Why would 100,000 want to look at my photos? Why would 90 people?

6:30 – Oh shit, I did it again. Okay, focus. How many breaths was that?

7:15 – 1 breath. 2 breaths. 3 breaths.

7:45 – Wait. Do I count on the in breath and the out breath? Just on the in breath? Shit, how do I not know how to count breaths?

8:30 – Why is it so fucking hot out here? Can I get sunburned in 10 minutes? Maybe I should go put sunblock on.

9:20 – Oh wait! We’re almost done. Okay, listen for sounds he said. Fuck, all I hear is that damn robot bird!

9:45 – Slowly open my eyes, bring my attention back to my surroundings.

10:00 – Done! So glad I did this. I feel so much calmer and more level-headed.

10:10 – Where the fuck is that stupid bird ?!?!?

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